jayivan

i, in the desert,
a thirst unquenched, wandering
under the hot moon 

last-leaves-littering
garden-winter-withering
seed-pods-splintering 

october crickets / string dawn toward blue sunrise / hazy mist settles

your ring no longer

fits the fat finger for which

it was intended

old stitches removed—
skin fissures open anew—
no-thing-to-un-do

so now you are sat-
isfied, so now you are you––
& how do you do———

solipsism:i—
the snaking tail rattles by,
mouth pursues a lie

i want to wake up.
naked, i want to wake up:
just me, to wake up

faces like harp strings
trilling by, an idyll lie.
it ripples, this high.

dreamt my tooth fell out,
just one, rotten at the base:
the lost love leaf falls

i am the artist
& the artwork, there can be
no separation 



(adapted from an essay by gabe stone shayer)

told myself: just friends
would be best, the thing needed,
and yet, i still fret 

when the sun’s shining,
trees green, winds warm, earth singing:
i pull out the knife 

i dam my river,
pushing up against myself——
powering the falls

marooned on the grass
i watch the blue sky go red:
a yellow finch flits

nothing more to say.
time passed flat as a pack box
used and broken down 

beauty dissolves, dew
on a summer petal burned
by the morning sun 

right foot and then left,
step forward, move fast, pretend
the past is the past

you took my secret
pain, so cautiously shared, and
fashioned a blade

a house founded on
sweet nothings dissolves into 
a bitter swampland

years build cities—full
of light, sound, color, love—but
one word rubbles it

the nonexistence 
of the counterfactual:
a weighted blanket 

my heart soft enough 
to keep breaking, my meanness
justice forsaken

fill your mouth with soil,
earth provides the breath that fills
the body with its death 

i forget sometimes
that i’m not the crazy one,
then your mouth opens
                ____ 
                closes

neither cowardice
nor courage, just disrespect
walks out the back door

you came for my light
dancing in the living night:
a black hole’s delight

some days truth flies,
a silent heron hunting,
a crow’s caw

my passion drifted

on dry seas, floating midair,

weightless unaware

i cling til the sting:

the end of the end is the

end to which i bend

the sadness of a

late winters day when the sun

is higher and warm

traitors empowered

by compassionless cowards

ploy coups for cuckoos

you asked for the truth.

bare handed I revealed it

to scissor sharp eyes.

thoughts like dark matter,

massless sparks illuminate

a disappeared face

i’m done with these thoughts——

feed the cerebellum beast

empty syllables

do not go gentle:

wild men blaze like meteors

against the dying

the heat and the sweat,

the hard beat, the packed dancefloor,

the hearts’ vibratings

intimacy’s weight

paints the soft warmth of sleep

in rising desires

(inspired by a poem from Justin Dewey)

black hatchling scurry

toward false moons, white-capped waves

roar invisible

power in quiet

like the hush of the earths crust

capping the red thrust

no respect is due

for the blues until respect

extends to all hues

i miss your touches,

you, and you, and you and your

lips and fingertips

buried you in the sand:

scuttling crabs over eyelids,

fingers licking waves

lost poems cannot
be found—those fallen leaves
never touch the ground

the ambulance cries

the spry cardinal defies

with red lullabies

hard days of distant

dancing hearts race—between screens—

wishing for thunder

if you have nothing

to give but the beautiful

and sad, then give that

the faggots don’t stop,

like danceless dancers dreaming

of faraway lives

drink the coffee hot,

or remove it from the heat

before it goes stale

all i see:

pollen-drunk bees,

fall leaves

still, you bask in light::

reflect, allow love to shine

into the dark bright

I stand before you

palms outstretched, this beating heart

red and bare and cleansed

the song of crickets

in the drying lakeside fern,

so oblivious

after the rainstorm,

seventh avenue traffic

quietly streaming

/

brick exteriors

like a forest of mossy

trees, a canopy

/

this sweetening hush,

this urban idyll of us:

full belly, full heart

melancholy &

endless euphoria bound

in body braids

i dance with thorns in

dusky light, swooning petals

convening the night

cardinals in flight

while lightning bugs rest in shade

before lighting night

small weeds root inside

the cracks, widening the gap

for hungry trees sap

walls go up, walls go

down’down’down—human beings

go mad round’n’round

your eyes keep dancing

through my mind, pulse-beats-binding

mine to thine in time

liminal bodies

habit liminal spaces

like faceless faces

your winter darkness

shines jetblackbright on May days

exploding with light

shoes shuffle gravel

on garden paths through cactus

bearing singing fruit

crack myself open:

let the lotus pollen drift

into unfurled hearts

caught in a bubble,

we find reassurance in

such iridescence

dancing to almost

transparent blue, the limit-

less sky hides the lie

as sunlight shines through

morning waves, my horizon’s

lost in your jeweled gaze

dissolve into blue

transparent depths eluding

the reddening hues

ego free—
unbound by ropes,
open hands see

chaotic yet calm
like wind dancing across a
shallow rock-strewn stream

need to imagine
a happy end, otherwise
tragedy begins

poems, butterflies
in the brain, fluttering til
one lands on your hand

deaf to my currents
until the waterfall roars:
white noise & lost boys

the wind cannot sing
with winter-clipped wing–it howls
nestled in scowls

you may not have left,
how would i know? people, they
just come——then go

the waiting is full
of fears, so i stop waiting,
fill that wait with feels

youve stolen silence
from me—i can no longer
stop the ceaseless flow

a faceted heart
radiates light, but dont grab
it tight — see, it bites

i’d apologize
but that’d be just empty space
hemm’d in by exhales

some day i’ll get over
signal fires in spanish moss
for my oh for my

Wind-iced glass panes
crack to the low black-rumble
of steel on pavement

Bare the grief witness
Slogan free and without cause
This place is not ours

Boys of basketball
Backlit by fiery dusk.
Dry leaves crackling.

the Red Dragonfly
shudders on yellow deadheads,
bowing to Blue Sky

Shirtless in the sun,
Winds wade through river grasses.

The sun hides, winds rise.

haunting, this beauty,
this red desert, this blue sky:
white ghosts whisp the dunes

Din in the Distance
A Collateral Chatter
Burnished by the Breeze

i swim between rings
of moon dust. your pulse ripples
their surface. heart beat.

Last man, dance man dance,
it’s just you and me—be free,
naked in the winds.

Who will love Neptune?
Deep-dark drifter, tempting me
beyond the drawn dawn.

Miranda shifts in
her seat, aluminum legs
scar the waxy floor

flutter Jupiter
moons sound the horn exhale
adrift in static

Cold night, cold morning,
The light aslant from cracked blinds,
Dust free and drifting

before the rumble
of radiators, the Still
reigns a dimming dawn

I may not play roles,
but I can be different me’s:
it’s so slippery

red-eyed
I stand before you
consumed

Old woman in black,
sitting on sepia steps,
smiles a young girl’s smile.

The silent face stares
back preserved but present,
holding its blue breath.

Tangle of wires drape,
urgent messages of Now
race invisible.

The Hideous Specific
clouds the vagueries which lie
at truth’s empty core

Bit-lipped and heart-slipped,
my face (gravel-embraced and
black-booted) erased.

Be the tree: empty

at your core, a hardened lore;

thin-skinned, sun-akin.