jayivan

i’m in
i’m in 
in the hollow in the terre 
dirt-eaters, blind-feeders, 
pitch on pitch
the all within the wall,
equally eyeless
quip upon quip
dark on dark
a space without hope, without tomorrows, without nows, without withness

a beautiful empty blackness 

i can hear the others but i don’t touch their motions 
here we all stand naked and black and emptyful
the plane beneath our feet is solid as black is bright 

i rise
the other yous rise 
we rise
i rise
i can hear the yous
i can hear the me
breath
step
blink 
i can see no yous
i can see no me

touch me
i can touch me
i can hear the touch
skin on skin 
i can hear the yous touch the yous
you-skin on you-skin 
soft and gentle, a whisper, a wist

separate-togetherness
touchless-touching
in-ex-haling

i stretch silent 
until a crack cracks the quiet
a pop
a pop pops
a bubble of black bursts

i swell
the me swells 
the you swells
the we swells

summer cicadas

tones upon tones dance in the dark, lithe, a lotus aloft opens 

soft petals scintillate through me, through yous, a sightless form of breath touch vibration

i fold into my egg
shoulders like wings wrap around my skin
i am held 
i am holding
i am whole. 

i hunger to be the empty shell 
i once conceived myself to be

let the perspiration lift off my skin
let the maelstrom empty into the singularity 

so i’m but a whiff,
a whisper, a whatless what

i respond to rejection
by persuing affection 

read slowly

when we are peace with one another—

and at peace with ourselves—

and at peace with the world—

we shine, we shine, we shine

my tears done salted
my soil, my seeds

i am 
consistencies

i scrambled
over weedchoked ditches



i swam
naked through mountain ridges 

i raved 
un-selfed under canyon bridges 

i echoed
past selfs in thoughtless reflection 

i sucked 
cock on brooklyn roofs with the neighbors attention 

i swallowed
pills in berlin bathrooms

i followed
my winds where my winds lead

i hollowed
my heart to give you full occupancy 

i jerked-off
before cinematographer syrians on crisp winter nights

i stopped
my words no more

i stopped
my words no more

i blocked 
traffic by laying down my bike

…tbd…

i am
consistencies 

my shining palace sinks into the sands—
my love leaves solace sifting from my hands 

the path to accepting the unacceptable:
a lava flow through a glacier, 
barefoot and naked,
feet afire and body hairs crystalled by sweat and steam and the windcries of yeti 

books conflagrated 
womens bodies violated 
queer love assassinated

rivers polluted with christianity 
epistemology shredded with inanity
our hearts and minds struggling with sanity

dance on the ashes
as the fires keep burning 

the greater the clarity 
the greater you hang o n  t h e 
next note
next flourish,
suspended in the hum between strings,
fingers press and slap,
bass note thrums,
shuffles in the background,
pressure points as piano tips

sometimes i share a poem
and mean it for the world

and sometimes i share a poem
and mean it just for you

and now no distance lingers
between the two

the candle burns : finger—/tips flex into the future / your touch fills the air

“we dance on a knife’s edge”

“that’s because life is sharp”

mourn the trees,
olives of ripe fruit and sturdy wood,
snapped from the roots,
mass-buried in mud

just the unjust mountains abound:
stuffed with the snuffed, 
smoldering with the mouldering 

arboreal grief
unfound in those mounds, 
sweet fruit that will never know 
the touch of tongues

love like life

takes hold

where it can

rest it
don’t test it 

it all
comes down to 
light
&
energy

the mesh veil floating

cicadas become dagger eyes
the swelling form bellows and blows 

i want not for company,
for love, for friendship

i want not for solitude,
the quiet clarity of breath after breath

we walk the stony path
through hemlock groves
toward rainbow bridges

that moment when an idea emerges from your thoughts. a poem formed whole out of nothing plunges down through the watershed and arrives at the shore upon which the Inner Watcher waits. the clockwork turns. the shape reveals.

staring at an orchid
form and beauty dance midair 
the session hums

silence sharp as knives:
the gold that gelds

do i let moments
pass or try to trap honey
within buzzing bees 

if you reside in the middle ground between following your desires and letting them go, you’ll know only longing

i cling
until the sting
sings

my heart afire:

midnight tossing,
low rumbling of sigh,
tiny earthquake of averted eyes

the ravine and its stream
sing love songs to the trees

words cast spells —all-ways—
they bind solid matter to air,
and from air: matter

the shadow of a butterfly 
flutters in the dappled light,
or is that just a leaf falling? 
—
butterfly shadow
flutters in dappled light,
a leaf falls

pooling water
feet from feet

singing forest
tree frogs peep

misting valley
greets night’s sleep

I thought your walls were  transparent glass 
I realized they were silver mirrors

amanitas and
asters fruit and then decay
as Taos Valley stays

do my words rise from the heart’s fall
or
do I fall so that these words may rise?

The light of enlightenment is always accompanied by the loss of disillusionment

guns: a coward’s tool
a buoy for clueless fools
adrift in our sea of cruel

relax with green tea
and dark humor—the missiles
hunger for nothing 

i do my best
to despise everything about winter—
that dry, drugged darkness—

until a bright march morning
teases a smile:
the skyline preens in midtown reflections,
the brown bark breaks from spring buds,
the serpentine sadness slips from faces onto a short-shadowed  sidewalk

& the city sighs

the ruts in the road &
the path through the trees

the nothing & the one
binds & sets you free 

the futility of change & its necessity 
the illusion of free will & the instinct of intention
the ruts in the road & the path through the trees
the nothing & the one
antimatter & substance 

when i see you 
see me senseless
i go blind 

no reason to lose
my mind, i’d rather be
finding me

faster but slower

as the grower grows bolder

love like light, particle & wave,

presence & motion,

impossible twins

implausibly twined

that dark impulse

that burning bright flame out:

it’s never dark enough

it’s never bright enough

the fish unhooks

the metal barb from its mouth

with its opposable fins

love on the dancefloor
(quiet, on the run)
wrecked to my sweaty core,
bereft, a vacant sum

my hands press each side of the window—

I can neither enter nor leave—

until I slip inside the glass,

& transparent, simply be

the standup man

always tumbling

the deep July green

what a scene

woke ain’t woke

but this smoke is smoke

starfish caught in tides

we’re pulled in & then dragged out

a sunset the color of disappointment,

grey and pale rust,

the row houses in half-silhouette.

a lone streetlight ignites.

bound in body braids,

desire consumes threadbare fire:

set it free. and be.

emit your light :

burn it bright /

the dim is sin ,

comprehend

the end within the

begin, a mouth agape,

the sigh breathes in

obliterated,

flowers expand infinite

so pretty

so witty

so so and so

sips the red tea

grips the lost sea

quips a straw me

kick the can

like you kicked my heart

smiling through the cobblestone park

truth is, i’m such a sap,

not one to mind the gap

between desire

and lost fire

/

so long as embers burn,

the heat will return

don’t got the time

for you to tarnish my shine

–

i need my light

to navigate this night

–

my body’s shape grows

into a story sewn

myths birthed

from birthing pains

bear fables

words cannot contain

the not yet

struts and clacks

slaying

where the sidewalk cracks

::

taking blood from broken knuckle—

rouging cheek, de-classing muscle

listening to techno out back with my plants, the cicadas chime along in their rolling rhythms. an orange spider rebuilds its home between the purple clematis and the purple spotted wandering jew. my neighbor tends to his garden of kale, collards, tomatoes, and peppers. the cicadas keep singing.

witched into bliss

with a hip-bump

from a sis

the soil beneath hums

the forest within strums

the river queer cums

The gravity of

The basement green room is so strong

Not even shade escapes

Silhouettes, paper

dolls dancing

the heady steam

the green tile

the dirty grout

the sound of water spraying against skin

let it go

hard love days

in the summer haze

this little thing i do

this sloppy sketch

this hullabaloo

—

dismiss it fast

swipe clean the screen

smudge away all memory

waking damp

from summer sleep’s rant:

the near heart’s full of fear,

as the distant one grows dear

. . .

but false mirrors shine no other face,

i must know this place:

there’s nothing wrong in floating free

on sweaty swamps of liminality

love doesn’t fade

like denim in the sun,

pale blue /

a disappearing hue:

it burns sodium bright,

black tarmac, the sole streetlight

blues on beautiful

days imbue the sky above

with colorless hues

dance with trees, capture

leaves, frequent needs

pollened winds break

thin mucused whims

a startled rabbit

radio static

so many shades of blue have just broke through

the Sunday clouds that flee our sounds

the sands that fill the rocky shore,

once pulled to sea in milky whirls,

find peace beneath the fish’s furied

race to beat the cazón’s teethy hurry

the snake sings across our skin

as fork-tongued tracks strategize kin

when your future becomes the past

grasp the present as if it would last

the slant of morning light

bright white on the iron black

i give you my lukewarm best
at the solemn behest of this mess

the fortune telling
machine, ones and zeroes lost
to polyphony

time for this ball of need
to compost into worm feed

so now im free:
untouched, untethered,
jumping into the sea

easy rhymes
4 cruel times

this window, a mirror:
that future, your past.

illusions lost
delusions found
at such cost
ive grown unsound

in this world of plenty
aint nothing more than empty

you may hear what you fear
—when it’s not what’s here,
so let go of the suspicion,
suspend dark apparitions

no need to share—
or see or be seen—
i’ll fold into
an origami seam

there is no right
i just miss your si(gh)t(e)s

this obsession is not about possession—
it’s a surrender to the splendour

but be possessed by the obsessed—
and you’ll be suspended until rendered

his touch put out that fire—
until embers burn brighter,
blue flames pulse me higher—
and im consumed in a conflagration of desire

stripmine my heart / then rend it free
of the mineral fat / that powers piety

im hooked
and booked
into your nooks

the dance of shadows beneath a bathroom door
morse code beckoning chemical sinecure

an open heart:
nothing but a beat box